A gracious spirit

The intent of this blog initially was to create a prayer journal and in a way, to discipline myself to a more purposeful and dedicated prayer life. I've not posted for a few weeks as the Holy Spirit has used this intent to bring a change to my spirit. My prayer posts have been replaced by a deeper call to prayer that has manifested itself in early morning prayer as soon as my alarm sounds. I am thankful for this new and more consistent prayer life that has become instinctive rather than forced. I believe that the discipline of a prayer blog finally brought this long-sought change into my life. The Holy Spirit has also brought a daily focus of prayer to my heart which is to always end by submitting myself more fully to God and to accept the manner by which he changes me into a daily more holy woman.
In this time I have found a new peace that is not dependent upon the removal of obstacles nor even a strength within me to endure. I have seemed to peek around a corner and discovered that the challenges and frustrations before me are placed there intentionally by God and so, my pleas for rescue were never from the heart of the Lord. The desires of our hearts must align with his for us to claim that promise, he will give you the desire of your heart. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 The new desire of my heart, the 2012 resolution of my spirit, has become the manifestation of a mature me.
To explain, it doesn't matter what the deep dark roots of my weaknesses are (despite the great popularity of analysis and psychobabble.) It is only important to stop it. This past week I had two such moments that began as the wobbling in my stomach and tension in my shoulders that signals that I am offended or defensive. It's the moment when I'm tempted to defend myself or try to get a nod of approval to erase what I have perceived as insult.
I was asked at work to make a checklist for the nurses to use before a patient receives ECT (electroconvulsive therapy.) I had made a rough draft quite a while ago and was informed a few days ago that the process was not working. My first reaction? I made that worksheet and it was just exactly what was needed and if it wasn't working, someone else was messing up. Then it was that I had plenty of other things that I needed to do and why was I always the one to be given the extra last minute assignment (this, by the way, is a lie of the enemy.) I made the worksheet and sent it out presuming the response would be "thank you." However, the response was a flurry of e mails with suggestions for changes. My stomach wobbled again as my ego flinched. The work of God is in this thing and only recognized by the maturing of my heart. I know this because after the initial offended thought, my spirit overtook my brain and I was able to stop and ask God to use this moment to give me a gracious spirit. Not the self-control of swallowing my frustration or faking a smile, this I have long ago mastered. But a gracious and anointed spirit that is happy to make the changes, to share the glory (and after all, wasn't a part of this the idea that if someone else contributes it is no longer all mine?) A spirit not afraid of being found lacking. I praise God to say that immediately, such graciousness was given to me and I tolerated not only one such suggestion but a multitude until the worksheet was very different than my fist version. The version accepted at the end had some improvements and some changes that I personally thought were inferior. But I was truly and deeply peaceful to have done the thing requested and to give it over for its intended use. A servant's heart was satisfied without any particular attention to myself.
Another such opportunity happened on Wednesday night. On Tuesday night I experienced my usual insomnia which resulted in about four hours of sleep. On Thursday morning I am required to go in to work at about 6:30 a.m. for a midnight shift staff meeting. So Wednesday evening I was exhausted and dreading the idea of another sleepless night and early morning. On Wednesday afternoon, my partner Natosha asked if I could cover her midnight staff huddle as well because she has small children to get off to school. Of course, I will already be there. Natosha is forever giving to and doing for me and I honestly was happy to do this for her. I told her to just shoot me an e mail to confirm that she wanted me to do her meeting. I took a Benadryl at 8 p.m. in the attempt to sleep better and actually fell asleep at 9:00 p.m. Then at about 10:30 p.m. my cell phone chimed, Natosha texting me to tell me she did need me to do her early meeting. My response? A few hours earlier I was more than happy to do this. Then awakened at 10:30 I was angry. My spirit was nasty. I wanted to text her back immediately, "I asked you to e mail me. Please do not text me late at night, I have insomnia, as you know." Nasty nasty nasty. I actually held the phone in my hand for a few minutes battling this urge. Then I laid awake for 2 more hours because, indeed the interruption had triggered my insomnia. Or had my hateful spirit done so? Finally, the Holy Spirit was able to break through my anger to remind me, God awakened me to give me another opportunity. I could force that smile and pretend I hadn't been angry. I could tell Natosha she had awakened me. Or I could submit myself honestly with all of the ugliness revealed and seek a gracious spirit. Around midnight, I fell asleep still frustrated. But when I awoke at 5:00, I was peaceful. I was repentant for my reaction and thankful for the true peace that would be the source of my smile. I was not rested. I was exhausted and my head hurt. But my spirit was so very joyous.
I am thankful for this moment to see a maturity that is born of frustrations welcomed instead of tolerated. The Lord has revealed the self-righteousness that forces a smile and a "no problem!" when my heart is snarling with offense. This is immaturity. It is a part of the journey of redemption but cannot be as far as it goes. At some point, God must no longer have to hold his hand over our mouth to stop us from sinning. The instinct for sin, the angry mortal spirit must become quieter and quieter. If we are to grow toward holiness we must eventually be trust-worthy to bear offense not with forced tolerance but with true graciousness. Great peace have they which love thy law, and nothing shall offend them. Psalm 119:165 With a heart that is not easily insulted instead of an insulted heart that is wrestled into submission.
And so, as my prayer blog has been replaced with morning prayer perhaps this blog will serve as a record of a new journey. There is no promise of daily or weekly posts and perhaps there will never be another. But here I am today.